When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Okay
I already tried new things thanks.
Boating season is upon us.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
shit just got real
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back