when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My dad teaching me to drive
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”