Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are