“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.