Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The government even made aliens boring
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Welcome to the stomach
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
The pasta is now
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.