Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it “Chumbawumba,” right?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.
Beer Fan : Budweiser?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.