@omgthatspunny

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

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@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

@bzamayo

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

@offbeatoliv

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

@TheHyyyype

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

@animaldrumss

Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers

@Rlpihl

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

@McGrumpenstein

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

@blaha_Who

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.