Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I wish I could veto my bills.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!