Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

These are too funny not to post 😂

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

This is my favorite one of these!

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high