Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.