When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet