Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoo shoo! 😂

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

honey, bring out the fine china.

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.