When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You Might Also Like
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?