When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Oceanography is all about current events
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Oh, I bet you would be
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Now colored!
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
