When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
road rage
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*