Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.