When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’