Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

My five year plan is a meteorite

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

That earthquake could have been an email.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

The United Steaks of America

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no