when there are deer in the woods
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!