when there are deer in the woods
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point