when there are deer in the woods
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she has a point
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills