When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Florida be like…
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.