When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Every work call, he judges.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant