When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”