Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Glasses

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Hawk o the mornin tuah

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”