When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle