When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
You Might Also Like
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather