Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.