Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Cake!!

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…