When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
With a text.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅