When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah