Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

another case of gang violins

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

I have obtained a hat

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

lmao😭🤣