When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Beware of the dog..
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Choose your fighter
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns