Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Seems legit

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.