[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.