Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

True freaking story!

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

decorating my apartment

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.