When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
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Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.