Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?