When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?