Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!