Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

my mom making me talk to relatives

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.