When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure