When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
You Might Also Like
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
all that yoga finally paid off
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella