When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
step 6: release the wall snake
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people