When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy