Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

I love you…

…r dog.

Mapping America’s Far Right

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.