when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
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Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Möther may I have a snäck
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Cause of death: Zumba
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”