Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

they really do be looking like this

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly