when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
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baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.