When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
This checks out
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.