When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
thoughts?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.