When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia