When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
You Might Also Like
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old