When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it