When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?