When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’ve had worse
This made me smile…
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.