When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
You Might Also Like
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.