When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Glasses
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”