When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
you will never know the true number of layers
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.