When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My birthstone is kidney
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
