When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
