When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
