When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Dammit Chief not again
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?