Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

why am I working on Labor Day

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs