When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.