When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?