When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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I got bills
They’re multiplying
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.