Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

Baller is short for ballerina

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.