When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain