When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.